My Weight Loss Journey

Until I was 22 I never really had any "weight issues". I was average as a kid and average until I had my third child. Then I kept on 30 lbs. Fourth child, kept on 30 more. Fifth child, you guessed it, kept on 30 more. So, although I have lost some of the 90 extra pounds I had on my frame, I am still very overweight. About 80 lbs. overweight. Gosh, I can't believe I actually wrote it down and everyone is going to get to read this. I could back out now but hey, what's a little more embarrassment in my life, right?

So, the question is why can't I lose the weight I need to? I can only guess at the reasons. When I was growing up my mom was always small and always "dressed" for my dad. I remember sitting in her room when I was little listening to her purge in the bathroom. I can remember very clearly to this day the "funny smell" that came from the bathroom when she came out. She never knew I knew and it wasn't until I was an adult that I realized she was bulimic. I can also remember my dad making comments about her appearance. It was never good enough. I remember her running and running to keep thin and I clearly remember the comments he used to make to me.

Have you ever walked on a puddle of ice unsure if you will fall through it or stay above the water? That's what is was like growing up for me. Something I did yesterday that made my dad laugh could set him off today. He was volatile and unpredictable. He also used to love to demean us. I can ever so clearly remember being told I would never have nice things (may be linked to our debt issues), I would never have a clean house (might be why I get panic and anxiety attacks when things aren't just so) and I was a bitch, slut and a whore. All before the lovely age of 14. (May be linked to why I have a hard time believing anyone could love me)

I don't know what all this has to do with my inability to lose weight. I know I am an emotional eater and also eat when I am bored or watching TV. I hate eating breakfast and rarely am I hungry until after noon, which leads to lots of eating after dinner. I know for sure I would be thinner if I didn't eat after 5 pm as that is when I eat the majority of my daily calories.

Right now I feel like my life is constantly unbalanced. Our house needs lots of work, our yard needs lots of work and our family needs lots of work. When I set out to do something about my weight, something comes up and it is almost easier to deal with all those crisis's then to work on my weight. I don't know why this is.

So I am writing this down and actually posting it. If you are wondering why I said that it's because I have written many posts but don't post them. They are sitting in my drafts box or have been deleted because I have been afraid to post them for fear of judgement. I am posting this because I need to find the path that takes me on my journey to health and happiness.

I know, I know, I probably need therapy to figure this all out.