My Weight Loss Journey

Until I was 22 I never really had any "weight issues". I was average as a kid and average until I had my third child. Then I kept on 30 lbs. Fourth child, kept on 30 more. Fifth child, you guessed it, kept on 30 more. So, although I have lost some of the 90 extra pounds I had on my frame, I am still very overweight. About 80 lbs. overweight. Gosh, I can't believe I actually wrote it down and everyone is going to get to read this. I could back out now but hey, what's a little more embarrassment in my life, right?

So, the question is why can't I lose the weight I need to? I can only guess at the reasons. When I was growing up my mom was always small and always "dressed" for my dad. I remember sitting in her room when I was little listening to her purge in the bathroom. I can remember very clearly to this day the "funny smell" that came from the bathroom when she came out. She never knew I knew and it wasn't until I was an adult that I realized she was bulimic. I can also remember my dad making comments about her appearance. It was never good enough. I remember her running and running to keep thin and I clearly remember the comments he used to make to me.

Have you ever walked on a puddle of ice unsure if you will fall through it or stay above the water? That's what is was like growing up for me. Something I did yesterday that made my dad laugh could set him off today. He was volatile and unpredictable. He also used to love to demean us. I can ever so clearly remember being told I would never have nice things (may be linked to our debt issues), I would never have a clean house (might be why I get panic and anxiety attacks when things aren't just so) and I was a bitch, slut and a whore. All before the lovely age of 14. (May be linked to why I have a hard time believing anyone could love me)

I don't know what all this has to do with my inability to lose weight. I know I am an emotional eater and also eat when I am bored or watching TV. I hate eating breakfast and rarely am I hungry until after noon, which leads to lots of eating after dinner. I know for sure I would be thinner if I didn't eat after 5 pm as that is when I eat the majority of my daily calories.

Right now I feel like my life is constantly unbalanced. Our house needs lots of work, our yard needs lots of work and our family needs lots of work. When I set out to do something about my weight, something comes up and it is almost easier to deal with all those crisis's then to work on my weight. I don't know why this is.

So I am writing this down and actually posting it. If you are wondering why I said that it's because I have written many posts but don't post them. They are sitting in my drafts box or have been deleted because I have been afraid to post them for fear of judgement. I am posting this because I need to find the path that takes me on my journey to health and happiness.

I know, I know, I probably need therapy to figure this all out.

Cat on a wire

Meet my cat Charlie. He is about 11 years old. He was my April Fool's Day present in 2002. My DH was sleeping because he was on shift-work and I decided to go to the ASPCA to look for a female cat that was spayed. I ended up with a male that was NOT neutered. Charlie picked me out of all the people there. He kept grabbing me through the cage. We have been through thick and thin with him. He had so many medical issues when I got him and I questioned my choice but I have to say, to quote my mother, "He's got personality, plus".

Not long after we got him he got out and I was devastated. He was gone all night but the next morning, as my DH went to leave for work, there he was, wanting in and waiting to be fed. We continued to let him out on his own until a neighbor complained and "pulled her husband's rank". If you are unfamiliar with that term, that is when a military wife thinks she has the rank her husband has and tries to use it to make you do something she wants or to justify her behavior. Nonetheless we started leash training Charlie. Boy was that scary. He nearly killed himself twisting around to get off his lead. We ended up putting him in a dog collar because he hated the harnesses and back then they didn't make them for cats so it didn't quite fit well. The end result was a cat on a leash and a neighbor that had a mouse problem, again.

Well, Charlie liked to roam and most leashes restricted him to a small area, which he hated. Then we had an epiphany. We had a beautiful Bradford Pear tree in our side yard in Charleston, SC. We decided to put a line from the back door out to the tree and attach his leash to that. He loved it. We soon discovered he could climb the tree and I have vague memories of being barefoot trying to climb the tree to keep him from strangling himself. We ended up putting a knot in the line to keep him from being able to get to the tree.

The funny part is that when we would tell people where we lived they would ask us if we were the people with the cat on a wire.

To this day, people that come to our house are amazed that he will go out on the zip-line. Now if only I could train my kids.